Drunk
by KissMeDeadlyT-T
Summary: Roy comes home completely hammered, and Ed tries his best to help him out- but Roy is a giggly, pouty, stupid drunk, and it proves to be a bit more infuriating than he'd bargained for. -RoyEd, fluff, swearing, drunkenness. Short oneshot.


**KissMeDeadlyT-T: Can we all just agree that Roy would be a stupid, giggly drunk? Or is it just gonna be only my headcanon for the rest of all eternity? Because come on. He'd be so fucking cute if he was all clingy and giggly and stupid.**

**I don't own FMA and I also don't know how to make people talking in slurs so imagination is key. I ALSO don't actually know how to properly take care of a drunk person but I just used my minimal experience. I probably did it wrong irl, but whatever, my friend survived so I figure it couldn't have been too bad…**

**Warning: RoyEd, drunkenness, swearing, Roy being a moron, butts.**

**xxXXxxXXxx**

Ed sat in the empty living room, a thick novel opened on his lap. It was late; the moon was out, its silver light flooding the room through the bay window, stars shining faintly above the dim glow of Central's night lights. His chair rocked back and forth as he distractedly fiddled with his hair, completely engrossed in the world of paper and ink held in his hands, illuminated by a delicate orange glow from the lamp on the table next to him.

It was well past midnight— at least two in the morning, he thought— and he couldn't sleep. He'd decided to walk downstairs and read for a little while to put his mind to rest, but had ended up getting too wrapped up in the story to put it down. There was a small voice in the back of his mind that wondered what Roy was up to right now, but it was ignored for the most part, because finding out whether the main character's brother was going to die was a priority at the moment.

The clock ticked in the kitchen. The constant sound was a background noise that Edward had become used to, and it barely fazed him anymore. Occasionally, there would be a faint hum from a car driving past, and then silence again. The only thing that did bug him, a little, was the absence of the soft breathing of another person in the house— that was something else he'd become terribly used to, and it bothered his subconscious that he couldn't hear it.

Still, he paid it no mind. Roy was a grown man and could handle himself, even though sometimes Ed wondered how well he really could, because the man could be as fussy as a spoiled child sometimes. He'd gone out earlier that night for some drinks with Havoc and Breda, and hadn't returned yet, but Ed wasn't too worried… no, he knew Roy was faithful… and he wasn't _that_ much of an idiot. He would be fine.

Ed yawned and shifted on the chair, slouching down until his chin rested on his chest and his butt hung off the side of the cushion. He flipped the page, too captivated by the story to notice the clicking sound of the front door's bolt sliding out of place and then the slight creak of the door being pushed open.

After another moment, he did hear something; a mumbled curse, then the sound of something solid hitting a wall. He slowly lowered his book and straightened in the chair. His gold eyes flicked around the darkness, trying to find the source of the noise. Once he heard the sound of keys jingling and then being tossed onto the table by the front door, he let out a long sigh, came to the conclusion that it was Roy attempting to sneak in late. He picked up his book again, but didn't read it— instead, he just watched the entrance to the living room over its edge, waiting with a cocked eyebrow and pursed lips to see what kind of bullshit excuse the man would have for coming home so late.

Roy finally staggered into the living room. He looked a bit dishevelled, his black hair slightly mussed up and white collared shirt open and bearing a neck that gleamed slightly in the faint light. His black jeans were sitting a bit low on his hips. Ed let his gaze sweep once, then twice, over his lover's unkempt appearance, then snapped his gaze to meet Roy's eyes with a small scowl.

"Next time, call if you're gonna be so damn late," he grumbled. He was about to start reading again when he noticed the way Roy's eyes were glimmering, and the faint sheen of sweat on his flushed skin. So he was drunk. Ed puckered his lips disapprovingly. "How'd you get home?"

Roy shrugged and stumbled forward, muttering curses when he nearly tripped onto his face. A wide grin split his face and he stopped in front of Edward, who was staring up at him with a faint flush underneath his critical gaze. "Havoc gave me a ride," Roy explained, his words very slurred. Ed felt his stomach heat up despite himself— even when Roy was completely shit-faced, he still managed to be impossibly attractive and gorgeous. He tried to keep on a glare, but it faltered slightly when Roy lowered himself into his lap, tossing Ed's book aside carelessly and grinning down at the flustered blond. Ed tried very hard not to think about the thighs on either sides of his legs or of the fact that Roy's natural scent went very well with the scotch one surrounding him at the moment.

"Did he now," Ed said weakly, hands coming up in a feeble attempt to shove Roy off. Roy wasn't having any of it and pinned his arms to the back of the chair, grinning even wider.

"Yep," said Roy matter-of-factly, leaning closer and flicking his tongue over the shell of Ed's ear, earning a hard swallow and a dark flush. "But I'd rather _you_ gimme a ride, if you know what I mean."

Ed groaned and tore his hands out of Roy's grip before shoving him away. "You're drunk. Go to bed."

"I'm not drunk," Roy protested, even as his words slurred so badly Ed could barely understand him and his breath smelled of scotch. Ed sighed and gave Roy another once-over— he'd really like to go along with this (really, he'd _love_ to give Roy a ride, he was looking perfectly rumpled and deliciously mischievous and it was _really hard_ to ignore that) but it was late and he was tired and he could tell Roy was already going to wake up completely hungover and fucked up tomorrow. Fucking him when he was this drunk would only make him feel even shittier in the morning, and Ed didn't want to be selfish like that. Setting his jaw, he wrapped his fingers firmly around Roy's arms and pushed him off. Roy let out a whine and slurred, "Whhyyyy?"

"Because you're fucking trashed," Ed responded flatly, standing after Roy and wrapping an arm around his waist because it looked like the brunet was about to fall over. "You'll regret it in the morning, trust me, I know this from experience."

Roy struggled like a bratty child that didn't want to go to bed. "Noo," he muttered, clinging to Ed's side and nearly dragging the blond down to the ground. "I want you, Edward, _please_…" His voice was so deep and sexy that for a moment, Ed's cheeks felt impossibly hot and he contemplated giving in. Roy _was_ begging for it… and it had been a while since he'd demanded to bottom… He shook his head firmly to clear his thoughts and set his jaw determinately.

"No," he said resolutely. "You're drunk and I don't want you to puke all over me."

"I'm not drunk," Roy objected again, before letting a huge grin split his face. "I'm intoxicated by you."

"You're a fucking moron is what you are," Ed muttered, dumping Roy on the bed in the guest room because he didn't trust the man to walk up the stairs without killing both of them. As Roy muttered things about how Ed was wrong and needed to smarten up and stop being a little shit, Ed warily took Roy's boots off and tossed them aside and then started undoing the button of his black jeans.

Roy grinned again and tried sitting up (but failed miserably and collapsed awkwardly back onto the bed) and murmured coyly, "You _do_ want to fuck."

Ed rolled his eyes again and struggled for a moment to pull Roy's pants off. "No," he said calmly, "I'm helping you get ready for bed, you piece of shit. You're going to sleep." He finally managed to get them off, and pushed Roy back onto the pillow, lifting the blankets and shoving Roy under them. Roy tried to squirm away, his face set in a stubborn scowl.

"Nooo. I'm not tired and you can't make me."

"You're about to fucking pass out, Roy, so don't give me that." Ed straightened. "I'll be right back. Don't move."

"Where're you goin'?"

"I'm going to get you some water. And a cloth, and then you're going to sober the fuck up and then you're going to sleep so you don't bitch at me forever about your insane hangover you're going to get tomorrow." When Roy did nothing except give him a sour pout, Ed rolled his eyes and muttered things under his breath before rushing out and grabbing everything he'd said. He wasn't entirely sure, but he thought that he should probably attempt to get Roy somewhat sober before putting him to sleep so the idiot didn't drown in his own vomit or something. He also wasn't sure if water and a damp cloth would help very much, but he'd heard it did some good, and it was too late to have Roy go out for a walk to sober up, so it was all he had right now. He hurried back into the room with a glass of cold water in one hand and a damp cloth with a painkiller in the other. Roy was still lying there looking peeved and Ed had to muffle a snicker because Roy looked really adorable when he was drunk and annoyed.

"Here," he said as he sat down on the edge of the bed. He handed Roy the painkiller and the glass of water. "Take this and drink some water." Roy mutely did as he was told. At one point, he almost missed his mouth and dumped the water all down his chin, but Ed quickly caught the cup and guided it to his mouth before any accidents could happen. His brow furrowed as Roy awkwardly sipped the water. "Why the hell did you get so shit-faced? You're gettin' old. Your liver's been through a lot and it probably can't take much more, geezer."

"'M not shit-faced."

"Oh yes you fucking are. You're lucky you stopped when you did otherwise you'd probably be puking your guts up right now." Ed took the empty glass from Roy's hands and placed the cool, damp cloth on his forehead. "Now stay here, I'm going to get some more water and juice."

"Eeeeed, don't leave me," Roy moaned. "M'head's killing mee."

"Your fucking fault, Roy. Wait for the painkiller to kick in." Ed quickly left and refilled the glass and brought back that and a second one that was filled with orange juice. "Drink them both."

"No, I have to pee."

"Drink them, then go," Ed said with an eyeroll. "Do it."

"Bossy," Roy murmured, but he did as he was told. By the end, he looked exhausted and drained, but Ed wasn't ready to let him go to sleep yet. Not until he was sure Roy wasn't so drunk he would die by acid reflux in his sleep. He knew only time would completely sober the man up, but he wanted to at least speed up the process a bit. Roy squirmed on the bed.

"Gotta pee."

"Come on," Ed sighed, helping him stand up again. Roy stumbled and nearly face-planted to floor, but he managed to find his balance without too much help, which Ed supposed was a good sign. They staggered to the bathroom and Ed helped Roy stand upright. "I'm not helping you piss," he muttered. "Do it yourself."

"Can you—"

"I'm not touching your dick until you're sober."

Roy sighed. "Fine."

Ed waited impatiently near the door as Roy did his business, his arms crossed and a cross expression on his face. Roy caught his eye in the mirror and gave him a confused look, as if he honestly didn't understand that Ed was concerned, and Ed just gave him a weary smile back.

"Alright, now how do you feel?" he asked when Roy was done.

"Meehhh."

"Okay," Ed sighed, pushing his bangs back warily. "Get in the shower. Maybe a hot shower will help."

"Only if you come in with me," Roy responded smoothly. Ed blinked— that had sounded alarmingly normal, like Roy wasn't complete hammered. When he looked at Roy's face again, he had to scoff. Nope, he was definitely still drunk. This looked like it would take a while. So much for finishing that chapter of his book tonight.

"I already took one earlier tonight," Ed said, trying to avoid the subject. "I'll wait here, though. Okay?"

"Can you please come in?" Roy asked, his eyes pleading. Ed tittered, then eventually gave in.

"Fine," he sighed. "But no funny business."

Roy looked pleased with this response and started fumbling with the buttons of his shirt, looking incredibly frustrated when his motor skills were too impaired to undo them. He struggled for another moment until Ed eventually sighed (again) and went to help. As soon as the buttons were undone, Roy tossed the shirt aside and jumped into the shower, still wearing his underwear. Ed stared for a moment, tempted to point it out, but he eventually decided it wasn't worth it. Lifting his shirt over his head, he let it fall onto the ground before slipping out of his bottoms and hurrying in after Roy to make sure he didn't slip and fall and die or something.

The shower went by without much trouble— besides when Roy tried to start using the lube they had on the side of the tub as bodywash, but Ed was going to graciously let that one slip and never mention it again— and they were back in the guest room. Ed had helped Roy back under the blankets, and the man was lying there with damp hair clinging to his flushed skin, looking absolutely exhausted. Ed towelled at his wet hair and sat cross-legged at the end of the bed, silently watching Roy as he struggled to stay awake.

"Do you feel better?" Ed asked. His heart felt funny. Roy sort of looked like a kitten that was trying not to fall asleep, and it was adorable.

"Mm." The noncommittal response made Ed smile softly. He scooted closer to Roy and placed his hand on the man's head, running his fingers through damp black strands and feeling a warm feeling in his chest when Roy sighed pleasantly.

"Do you feel like you're going to throw up at all? Sobered up at all?"

"Not gonna throw up, and kinda." His words were a bit less slurred, too. Satisfied that Roy wasn't going to die in his sleep, Ed stood up.

"Okay. Get some sleep now, alright?"

Roy glared at him through heavy-lidded eyes but made no move to resist as Ed pulled the blankets up and tucked him in. His eyes fell shut, but his eyebrows were still pushed together in irritation. "I'm not tired."

"You're one hundred percent about to pass out. Go to sleep," Ed ordered.

"But—"

"No buts, Roy. Go to sleep before I take a frying pan and knock you out."

"Butts."

"What?"

"I like your butt, can I touch it?"

"What?" Ed said exasperatedly, unable to help the short laugh that escaped him. He pushed away from the bed. "No! Just go to sleep, sheesh!"

"Where're you going?"

"I'm going to get another glass of water for you."

"Are you gonna come back?"

Ed sighed. "Yes, I'll come back."

"Do you promise?" Roy sounded terribly drowsy. Ed couldn't help but smile a bit despite his irritation.

"Yes. I promise."

"Okay," Roy murmured, bringing the blankets up to his chin. Ed chuckled quietly and walked towards the door, glancing back once to make sure Roy was staying in bed. The brunet was watching him with wide black eyes.

Slightly unnerved, Ed asked, "What?"

"Your butt is really cute. Are you sure I can't touch it?"

Ed groaned and flicked off the light. "Go to _sleep_."

**xxXXxxXXxx**

**KissMeDeadlyT-T: Butts**

**;-; I'm not sure what I wrote but it was cute in my head I hope it turned out cute written out too. Sorry for any spelling errors. It's late, and I really should be studying for my Chemistry exam tomorrow morning, but… meh. I'm going to fail anyway…**

**Anyway reviews are appreciated and sorry if I got anything wrong. I've never been drunk before, but I had to take care of my drunk friend and it was something similar to this so… yeah. **

**Thanks for reading!**


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